I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
