You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
