I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
