So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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