My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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