Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
