You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
