You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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