I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
