I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
there was a trapeze. enough said
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
