It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
