I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
