Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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