she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
