I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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