Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.