just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.