I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
