i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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