New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Semen is not good for contacts.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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