Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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