No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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