Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
