at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
YAS. BRING CRAB.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
