May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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