I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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