i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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