maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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