When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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