I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
