Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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