"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
