well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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