When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
