Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
