Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
