You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
