it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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