Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
