i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
