Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
