I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
