I can't breathe out the right side of my face
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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