Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
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Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
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You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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