She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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