Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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