someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
