doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
