Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
