I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
