dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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