pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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