so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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