I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
