today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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