i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
