I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also, beer. Big fan.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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