My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
