I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
