After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
